


How to Bother a Batman

by incogneat_oh



Category: Batman (Comics)
Genre: Batdad, Gen, Humour, batfamily, puns, short fic, weird families bonding weirdly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-30
Updated: 2017-11-30
Packaged: 2019-02-08 17:50:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12869832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/incogneat_oh/pseuds/incogneat_oh
Summary: The fic with coffee puns!





	How to Bother a Batman

–  
  
It’s been a couple of long nights, but it seems like the fight is over. The relief in the Cave is palpable. One more psycho detained by Arkham, one fewer crazed-gang loose on the streets. For tonight, at least.  
  
No one is quite ready to go upstairs, still wired, hopped-up on a the cocktail of endorphins and adrenaline in their bloodstreams. They’d worked in tandem, all of them, for the first time since– well, ever. Even Jason. The success is bright in their smiles, their laughter. The affectionate, triumphant pats on the shoulder or hair. In Bruce’s warm “Good work, boys”.  
  
They’re  _elated_.   
  
Which is probably the excuse they’ll use when Bruce is mad, later.  
  
And really. Alfred should not have brought them coffee, especially not while Bruce was typing up reports and updating files and doing general “ _I am Batman, do not disturb_ ” work.   
  
But the Cave, in spite of it’s size, is not big enough for all of them. And it echoes.  
  
Unsurprisingly, it’s Dick who starts it. It usually is. “Thanks a latte, Alfred,” is what he says, accepting the cup of coffee.  
  
And Alfred doesn’t smirk, but his perfect moustache twitches slightly. “It was a _grind_ , sir,” he responds, which is all the encouragement they need.  
  
Bruce  _very significantly_  stops his typing to crack his knuckles. Annoyed.  
  
Jason stretches out his legs, absently tracing the lines of his hood on the floor beside him. “Affogato how much you hate puns, Bruce,” he says, grin wide.   
  
“I wouldn’t worry,” Tim deadpans. “He left his sense of humor in his other pair of mochachinos.”  
  
Jason snorts over the audible sound of Bruce’s teeth grinding.  
  
“Dreadful,” Damian says, in the quiet that follows. “Your puns mocha me nauseous.”  
  
There is a long pause.   
  
And silence.  
  
Then Dick is laughing and grabbing Damian under the arms, hauling him to Bruce’s computer chair, shaking him proudly. “ _Oh my god_  Bruce did you hear that  _he made a joke_  and it was a  _pun_ , Bruce! Your youngest just made a  _pun_!”   
  
“You are spending too much time with him,” Bruce says solidly, not turning from the computer.  
  
Dick turns Damian around to face him, mussing his hair and grinning hugely. “Dami, I have never felt closer to you.” He pauses, chews his lip. The smile is slow, but impish. “In fact, you might go so far as to say I’ve never  _bean_  prouder.”  
  
The sound of Bruce’s hands hitting the desk is loud, and halts the older boys’ laughter. “That’s it,” he snarls. “The next one of you to make a joke is banned from the Cave. That’s a promise.”  
  
“Ooh,” Jason stage-whispers. “He’s got a bone to piccolo with us.”  
  
There is the very startling sound of a child’s laughter, followed by a brief, shocked silence, because  _none of them have ever heard Damian laugh like that before_. Including Damian, from the look on his face.  
  
Then they’re snickering, Tim silently, a hand over his mouth, Dick and Jason with less embarrassment. Damian, it would seem, is trying to repress his laughter with minimal success.  
  
“Better get out of here espresso,” is what Tim manages, between bouts of laughter. “He’s f-frothing at the mouth.”  
  
“You guys are gonna get us  _shot_ ,” Dick says weakly, almost doubled over with laughter.   
  
There is a faint growl from where Bruce sits, but–  
  
“He needs some way to venti his anger,” Jay says, and they all collapse into helpless laughter.  
  
Bruce is not amused. In fact, he seems slightly bewildered by his children, says distastefully, annoyed, “ _Puns_? Really?”  
  
“Don’t,” Tim gasps, tears in his eyes. He hasn’t laughed this hard in his _life_ , and he can’t seem to stop. “Don’t macchiato our sense of humor.”   
  
“That’s it,” Bruce snaps. “Out. All of you.”   
  
The laughter slows, a little, but doesn’t stop.  
  
“That’s okay,” Jason says, as they all stand and head for the stairs. (They’re not  _stupid_.) “I can’t think of any more puns anyway.”  
  
“…Chai harder,” says Damian, which sets them all off again.   
  
Distantly, he hears “Shit, I think we broke the babybird. I didn’t even know he  _could_  laugh.”  
  
But Bruce doesn’t mind, because they shut the grandfather clock behind them, leaving the Cave in blessed silence.   
  
Until there’s the creak of leather in one of the computer chairs, and–  
  
Dick stretches out slow, languid, kicking his feet up onto a computer console.  
  
“Youth these days,” he says, shaking his head. “No sense of decorum.”  
  
Bruce just  _stares_.  
  
“What?” Dick says, innocent. “We were both thinking it.”  
  
 **-THE END-**

**Author's Note:**

> Also on [tumblr.](http://incogneat-oh.tumblr.com/post/16944085311/how-to-bother-a-batman)


End file.
